Voice of a Castaway
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About: 20, Graphic Design Major, Cokeholic(cola), big hearted kid with happy dreams.

Previously: Incomparablevoices

Writing Muse, vents and all the inbetweens ©chibi-chibit

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Dear Self, We’ve been through a lot together haven’t we? So often I believe we find ourselves leaning on each other as the tears stream down; desperately holding back those heartbreaking sobs, hiding at the corner of the cupboard, always past midnight nearing the dawn of another day. Feeling all small and worthless. Now even if we’re nearing that golden age of 21 that others claim to be the best moment in life. I don’t think we’ll ever agree with that, we never did. 

Remember those times where we dream about being the best designer? The well-loved friend? The one person who will make it far and reach all the goals and dreams we’ve set out to achieve? Look how that turn out. We’ve fallen so far from all those times and now we’re just a shell of mess. I’m sorry; I don’t know when I started to lose confidence in you. I don’t know when did I lose passion for the two of us in what we love dearly. I’m not even sure why our tears have dried up and all that’s left is an empty hole, constantly wanted to be filled but things just slip away and there’s no way for it to contain them. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t strong enough even when we both thought I was the one who would pull us through. So many years passed and I guess I was never the stronger one. I can’t find any more ways to apologise for the wrong doings and flaws in myself. I’m so sorry. It’s getting harder and harder to pull through everyday and stay positive in the road we’re heading towards to. I’m sorry that I’ve begun to doubt the friends and people we’ve met in life. We’ve been wounded so much that I don’t know how to trust. Even the closest friends we have are feeling rather distant and I think it’s also my fault that things are the way it is now. I’m so sorry, that I’m falling behind so much in class and that I can’t seem to cope with the demands and requirements that’s expect in university. The materials are too unfamiliar and there’s no one to turn to in class for explanation. Everyone feels very cold and unfriendly. It’s something I never expected and I don’t know how to engage with these people. Even the lecturers are hard to communicate with because they doubt our understanding and skills. I know it is not their fault but ours, but this sense of un-belonging and coldness has drive me into a corner and I’m feeling more and more left out in the coming days. I wish I was a better person who is much more outgoing and enthusiastic. But I can’t stop the nature of being cautious and over thinking things when there’s nothing to think about. May be that’s why we’re feeling as such? May be that’s the reason we’re slowly destroying ourselves from the inside out. I don’t know how long more must we endure this. I don’t even know what we should do to fix this and make it better. It’s so foreign and I’m getting really weak.  If we screw up, will we be able to stand back up again? I don’t know how to deal with disappointments and discourages anymore. I’m so sorry that we’re so broken. I think that the people around us are slowly coming to notice that there’s nothing special or interesting about us. We’ll really be alone and on our own eventually. That’s our greatest fear isn’t it? Abandonment.  .. May be it is for the best. I guess. There’s no fight in us left; what more can we contribute? We’re not creative and we are sure useless with anything close to public relations or business. That’s how useless we are, so, so useless. I wish things were different. I wish.. we weren’t broken. I’m so sorry self. There’s a chance I’ll be doing something really regretful in the future. And we won’t be able to stop ourselves. I’m so sorry for not being a better self. I wish I could have done you proud but that chance never came and I’m unable now. I hope you can forgive me, I wish I wasn’t born to be such a failure. I’m just so sorry. -chibit

Dear Self,

We’ve been through a lot together haven’t we? So often I believe we find ourselves leaning on each other as the tears stream down; desperately holding back those heartbreaking sobs, hiding at the corner of the cupboard, always past midnight nearing the dawn of another day. Feeling all small and worthless. Now even if we’re nearing that golden age of 21 that others claim to be the best moment in life. I don’t think we’ll ever agree with that, we never did. 

Remember those times where we dream about being the best designer? The well-loved friend? The one person who will make it far and reach all the goals and dreams we’ve set out to achieve? Look how that turn out. We’ve fallen so far from all those times and now we’re just a shell of mess. I’m sorry; I don’t know when I started to lose confidence in you. I don’t know when did I lose passion for the two of us in what we love dearly. I’m not even sure why our tears have dried up and all that’s left is an empty hole, constantly wanted to be filled but things just slip away and there’s no way for it to contain them.

I’m so sorry that I wasn’t strong enough even when we both thought I was the one who would pull us through. So many years passed and I guess I was never the stronger one. I can’t find any more ways to apologise for the wrong doings and flaws in myself. I’m so sorry. It’s getting harder and harder to pull through everyday and stay positive in the road we’re heading towards to.

I’m sorry that I’ve begun to doubt the friends and people we’ve met in life. We’ve been wounded so much that I don’t know how to trust. Even the closest friends we have are feeling rather distant and I think it’s also my fault that things are the way it is now.

I’m so sorry, that I’m falling behind so much in class and that I can’t seem to cope with the demands and requirements that’s expect in university. The materials are too unfamiliar and there’s no one to turn to in class for explanation. Everyone feels very cold and unfriendly. It’s something I never expected and I don’t know how to engage with these people. Even the lecturers are hard to communicate with because they doubt our understanding and skills. I know it is not their fault but ours, but this sense of un-belonging and coldness has drive me into a corner and I’m feeling more and more left out in the coming days.

I wish I was a better person who is much more outgoing and enthusiastic. But I can’t stop the nature of being cautious and over thinking things when there’s nothing to think about. May be that’s why we’re feeling as such? May be that’s the reason we’re slowly destroying ourselves from the inside out.

I don’t know how long more must we endure this. I don’t even know what we should do to fix this and make it better. It’s so foreign and I’m getting really weak.  If we screw up, will we be able to stand back up again? I don’t know how to deal with disappointments and discourages anymore. I’m so sorry that we’re so broken. I think that the people around us are slowly coming to notice that there’s nothing special or interesting about us. We’ll really be alone and on our own eventually. That’s our greatest fear isn’t it? Abandonment. 

.. May be it is for the best. I guess. There’s no fight in us left; what more can we contribute? We’re not creative and we are sure useless with anything close to public relations or business. That’s how useless we are, so, so useless. I wish things were different. I wish.. we weren’t broken. I’m so sorry self. There’s a chance I’ll be doing something really regretful in the future. And we won’t be able to stop ourselves.

I’m so sorry for not being a better self. I wish I could have done you proud but that chance never came and I’m unable now. I hope you can forgive me, I wish I wasn’t born to be such a failure. I’m just so sorry.

-chibit

(Source: xrawrbabix12)